As I sit here writing this post my heart is breaking. I wasn’t sure how to write this, emotionally it is so very painful, but I knew that I needed to write. As some of you know, Morgan’s birthday is tomorrow. She would have been 28 years old, but she will remain in our minds as a beautiful young woman, who had only just turned 20 when her life was horrifically taken from her.
To say that I think about Morgan every moment of every day, along with dreaming about her every single night, is probably an understatement. I love my sweet youngest daughter with all my heart, and I miss her so very much. The murder of a child tosses parents onto a journey they never, ever wanted, and never could have imagined they would be traveling. It is one of the loneliest roads you will ever travel and unless you have experienced it you will never know (thank God) what it feels like to travel that road. The pain of losing your child is beyond words and it never goes away.
My heart was shattered into pieces the morning I found Morgan’s body – from then on it was no longer possible for me to be the person I used to be before her death. Over the years I have had some people tell me that I should give up fighting for justice for Morgan, and just grieve. When I hear this, I’m incredulous! How can they think, for even one single moment, that I have not grieved? I grieve and hurt every single moment of every single day and night. The tears come uncontrollably out of my eyes, as the deep pain in my chest and stomach grip me so tight that I feel like I am falling down a dark tunnel and it will never end, I then stop and realize that I am holding my breath, and I need to breathe…and that doesn’t really even begin to explain the grief that I feel. Everyone experiences grief differently and the pain of losing a child is indescribable, and when you lose a child to murder there is never closure. How could there be? Our family can no longer see Morgan smile as we celebrate her birthday with her. None of us will ever get to hug her or kiss her again. We never get to experience her beautiful presence or witty words of wisdom. I would give anything to have Morgan back in our lives again, and I know I will never get that wish. As Sarah Hinton said, “As a parent I have come to realize there will never be anything that explains why my child had to die.” I agree…there will never be anything that explains why my child had to die…never 😢
So no, there will never be closure, but I am determined to get justice for Morgan and change the way stalking cases, in this country and around the world, are treated. If even just one victim is saved by my actions that to me would be worth it.
Tomorrow, Friday, August 16, 2019, I will celebrate Morgan’s 28thbirthday with her favorite foods, and her favorite Tiramisu birthday cake, complete with 28 candles. Her adorable 10-year-old niece and 8-year-old nephew will join Steve (her daddy) and I in singing happy birthday to her and then help blow out the candles. Her brother and sister-in-law, and Morgan’s brand-new sweet baby nephew will join us as well. We will all eat, sing, and talk about all the wonderful memories of Morgan, we will talk to her, because we believe she can hear us, we will cry, and we will read out loud to each other the little notes we have all written about our favorite things we love about Morgan.
Morgan loved life, and that makes life all the more precious to all of us. Many people seek happiness when happiness is actually a choice. I choose happiness because I am grateful for every single day of the 20 years that I was blessed to have Morgan in my life. Our family is still growing, with the addition of the most recent birth of our baby grandson (he has the same color hair as Morgan’s), with another baby due in November. Morgan loved children so I know she is giggling with happiness over these new adorable additions to our family. Morgan is my rock, she always was, so through my tears she “blasts” me with heat into my back, a heat that I can’t explain, but completely relaxes me and stops my tears…I then feel unconditional love and strength, then a little voice that says, “I love you mom, I am still here, don’t give up, you can do this.” Then I move forward again, still grieving, but nonetheless moving in a positive direction with Morgan still at my side.
So tomorrow, on Morgan’s birthday, if you can, please light a candle and send her your thoughts, prayers and love…I know she will appreciate it and so will our family…thank you all for the unbelievable support and love you have given our family over these past 7 + years…the fight for justice is not over and against all odds I still BELIEVE.