HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE WONDERFUL MOTHERS OUT THERE

Being a mother is the most fulfilling and gratifying thing in the world.  For me there have been so many wonderful moments, along with some really awful moments, but I would always choose being a mother. The overwhelming love you receive when you look into your child’s eyes can never be duplicated by any other means. And that love can never be taken away… not by anyone.

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  It was a day of tears.  I told myself it was okay to hurt.  Then while I was out and about, trying to move forward I looked over at a woman with a baby stroller.  My eyes immediately looked into the stroller and this adorable baby was beaming up at it’s mother, with a big smile on her face.  Her eyes were sparkling with an immense amount of love – you could just see it from where I was standing.  My heart filled with love remembering that look.  It was a BIG reminder of how special it is to be a mother and a reminder that my heart does still feel, and see, all the true love I have been blessed to be surrounded with.

A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.

 Author: Agatha Christie

I miss Morgan every single day… she was my baby, my best friend, and she grounded me.  Morgan would always jokingly lament how Steve and I were both water signs, while she was a fire sign. She would go on to explain all our frailities by being water signs, and she was usually right on.  Morgan would then laugh and tell us we were lucky because all 3 of our children were not water signs so they gave us some very needed grounding.

Morgan took this picture. She was always my little ballerina.  On her first birthday she took off walking on her own, and it was straight up on her tippy toes.  Most of the time when I saw her walking anywhere she usually started out on her toes.  In this picture there is a little “coupon” that she made for me one Mother’s Day.  She actually made 6 coupons and gave them to me as a Mother’s Day present.  Morgan almost always took the time to make every  gift she gave, making every one so extra special!  She always gave from her heart.  Every one of these “coupons” she gave me was for something she wanted do for me… she wanted me to “redeem” them for a dinner cooked by her, or a day together down at the ranch, just little things like that, but all the things she knew would make my day just that much brighter.  That was Morgan and I still have some of these coupons to look at – I never got a chance to redeem them all.  Now I can hold them in my hands and remember all the love she constantly gave.

Life without Morgan has been indescribable. The pain can be so very deep, yet at the same time my memories of her are so wonderful that they fill my heart with joy. It can all be very bittersweet.  I’m sure this will sound strange to most of you that have never lost a child, but up until recently I could not even bring myself to buy any of Morgan’s favorite items at the grocery store. It has been over 3 years and while we shared so many favorites, even looking at them in the grocery store caused me to cry, so there was no way I could actually buy them. Over the holidays it was pomegranates…her fav, but I couldn’t even look at them.  Recently I finally broke down and bought raspberry Noosa yogurt, another one of her favorites.  I sat outside and ate it very slowly, while looking at the ocean.  I savored every bite while thinking about Morgan and I was actually able to smile remembering how much she liked eating that yogurt. I also knew she was happy that I was looking at the ocean while eating the yogurt and thinking about her.  That probably sounds strange too, but even though Morgan was only 20 years old she told me her dream was to get her law degree from Stanford, and after a career in law she wanted to retire in northern California overlooking the ocean.  So while I was looking at the ocean I could “feel” Morgan right next to me and it felt peaceful and joyful.

Today I feel blessed not only to have such love from my 2 older children, as well as my 2 grandchildren, but I am also so grateful that I can still feel immense amounts of love from Morgan. Yes, I still cry every single day wishing my youngest daughter was still sitting next to me, but I don’t cry for very long – I always get a “blast” of warm love that curses through my body and fills me with so much love that I have no choice but to stop crying every single time I feel it.  This is another hard thing to try and verbalize to others, but I just wanted to try to express what happens to me, and how I know Morgan is still close by.  Mothers always remain connected to their children, the greatest gift there could ever be…