Category Archives: Toni’s reflections

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So many times crimes begin with stalking.  Many times you read about a case of burglary, rape, kidnapping among many other types of crimes, but what you usually don’t read about in the news is that many of these cases involved the victim being stalked, and surveilled, before the crime happened.

This article talks about a woman that listened to her “intuition” or “gut feeling” and did a smart thing in this case – possibly saving herself from becoming a victim.  She shared her story on Facebook in order to raise awareness, and warn other women to be on the lookout.  I believe this is just another type of stalking story – whether the predator watches and stalks someone for 30 minutes, or 30 years, it is still a precursor to a dangerous situation. For someone to have wrapped a shirt around this woman’s wiper blade, it is much more likely that someone “knew” a single woman would be getting in this car…they knew her routine, and were lying in wait.

http://www.9news.com/mb/news/womans-facebook-warning-about-shirt-wrapped-around-windshield-wiper-goes-viral/411917785

 

How can you help a victim of stalking?

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There are many ways you can help a victim of stalking:

BELIEVE – LISTEN – RESPECT – SUPPORT – EMPOWER

SPEAK OUT – RESPOND

You CAN make a difference in someone’s life.  You can help STOP a stalker.

Be Authentic…

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A good friend of mine, one that I have immense respect for, wrote, “You know you’re living an authentic life when everyone doesn’t like you…you said no, drew lines in the sand, spoke up or perhaps said nothing, and it was wildly unpopular. An intention only to please others and to be liked, is a disease that has filled cemeteries all over the world.”

Such a profound statement…

Most of my life I tried to be kind to others, probably to a fault.  I didn’t want to share any bad news, no negativity.  I never wanted to talk about problems – to me there were no problems, only challenges to be overcome.  I was always trying to lift people’s spirits, as it was very important to me.

Then after Morgan was murdered, smiling on the outside, while I was dying on the inside, finally got to be too exhausting.  I started to open up more and more with people.  I started to share the facts about what happened to Morgan.  Next I made a shocking discovery, as many other parents of murdered children do…most people, sometimes even your own family, and friends, don’t want to know what happened – they don’t want to talk about it, they don’t even want to bring up your child’s name.  There are many reasons for this.  Sometimes they are so upset they want to just “forget” about it, because they can’t cope, sometimes they don’t know how to talk about it, because it makes them “uncomfortable,” and sometimes they want you to “just get over it,” so they can have their friend back the way they used to be.  And I am sure there are many more reasons people have for not wanting to talk about it – but none of those reasons really work for me.  I realize it is not my job in life to change their opinions.  I had to realize those people would no longer be involved in my life.

Through the pain of losing my youngest daughter I have learned to be authentic.  I speak my mind, for myself, for Morgan, and for all other victims as well…all those who can no longer speak for themselves.  I chose to be upfront, honest, and push forward towards justice with love.  If others don’t like it, that is fine with me – this is my life, not theirs.  I know I can’t make everyone happy, so I no longer try.  I believe in the path I have chosen, and that path gives me happiness.  Being of service to other victims, and co-victims brings warm happiness to my heart.  The pain of losing Morgan never goes away – I just learn to live with it.  I are forever changed because a piece of my heart is missing, and I know deep down that I am still here for a reason.  I know it is now my turn to try to make a difference in this world, and in doing so I honor my precious daughter Morgan.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

To understand grief a little better here is a pretty good article to read…it can help you talk with a friend who really needs you after a great loss in their life.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-17928/what-i-wish-more-people-understood-about-losing-a-child.html

 

 

 

 

 

And she said, “I love you daddy.”

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 Ask any adult woman about their father, one who still calls their father “daddy,” and you will hear stories of immense love and respect. I have been blessed to be married to one such “daddy” – Steve.  Both Morgan and her oldest sister always called him “daddy,” and they absolutely adored him.

Blood doesn’t always make you a “daddy.”  Another person has always called Steve “daddy.”  My niece never knew her own father, so ever since she was a small child, Steve treated her just like one of our own daughters.  She loved him very much.  And just like our own 2 girls, she made him father’s day cards, always got excited to see him and never got off the phone without saying she loved him.  And to this very day my niece still ALWAYS calls Steve “daddy.”  Even as a mother herself, and almost 40 years old, to her Steve is “daddy.”

I have met many friends over the years that still call their fathers “daddy.”  What a beautiful thing – I love hearing them talk about their childhoods and all the wonderful memories they have.  It really does take someone special to be a daddy.  A person that really loves spending time with their children.  Someone that is always there for them, someone they can count on.  Someone who knows there is no greater gift in this world then a child…that makes a “daddy.”  One of my dear friends just lost her “daddy” to cancer – it was painful and cruel.  She is hurting so much and yet every time she speaks about him she smiles (with tears in her eyes) and you can hear the love in her voice for the man she will always call “daddy.”

You are probably wondering why in the world I am going on and on about this.  Well because I just remembered something that happened about a year after Morgan was killed.  A woman contacted me to say that she was convinced Morgan killed herself because she had read that the last thing Morgan said to Steve was, “I love you daddy.”  Now I have heard a lot of crazy things from people over the years – but when I heard this woman say that, I felt a wave of sadness for her…what kind of childhood had this woman had that would make her think that?  It was just all too sad.

For Morgan to say, “I love you daddy” was completely normal behavior for Morgan.  I know for many other girls and women this would be normal behavior as well, and for those who can not understand it, I feel a deep sadness.  Unconditional love comes from the heart, it’s what every child deserves, but not every child receives.  What a wonderful world this would be if everyone could know, and understand, unconditional love.

 

Murderer’s Denial of the Victim…and Victim-blaming

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I have read, “Criminals sometimes neutralize wrongdoings by maintaining that the crime victim “had it coming.” This is an example of the technique of neutralization.

In the past year I have heard from a person involved in Morgan’s murder…shocking I know, but not entirely unexpected.  

This female has been in trouble her whole life, and has always blamed others for her wrongdoing – so why stop now.  Does anyone think that a person involved in a criminal activities, like stalking and murder, will just admit what they did, and joyfully go to jail?  I really don’t ever hear of that happening, but I do read many articles about people that starting killing at a young age and were not caught until there were many other victims.  This female has used one-liners over and over when asked if she killed Morgan, as in her famous statement on the Dr. Phil Show, “Show me the proof.”  Ask most criminalists and they will tell you that an answer like that, to a direct question of culpability, is a major red flag…

In the message I received from this female, she said Morgan was an ‘evil psychopath,” and said, “she had it coming,”  and “her death was an accident” (they deny the injury), and she is happy because “Morgan deserved to die” (they deny the responsibility).  She accused Morgan of “destroying people’s lives and making them kill themselves” (they deny the victim).  

This is so “text book.”  This female is delusional.  She is giving herself, and others, a justification for Morgan’s death.  None of what she said to me was true, so it really didn’t upset me, but it was a “glimpse” into the mind of Morgan’s murderer.  Pretty scary stuff, and don’t think for a minute that this person has changed…no, she will only get bolder and harm more people in my opinion.

Syke & Matza (1957) and Matza (1964) wrote their conclusions on the process of delinquent youths becoming criminals as a matter of neutralizing their personal values and attitudes as they drift from conventional behavior and illegitimate behavior.

They deny responsibility, they deny the injury, they deny the victim.

They condemn the condemners.  The say, “It was not my fault,” “No harm was done,” They had it coming.”  In their minds they really believe they can shift the blame and their guilt of the crime in order to lesson the value of the life they destroyed.  Sound familiar?  Well it sure does to me.

This is a very basic article that explains the techniques of neutralization…i.e. Victim-blaming.  Excuses made by the person responsible for the crime in order to shift the blame from them to their victim.

http://www.everydaysociologyblog.com/2008/10/techniques-of-n.html