Gaslighting and Stalking: Understanding Control Tactics

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I know I have mentioned before that when my youngest daughter, Morgan, was being stalked, we put up cameras and motion detectors. We called the sheriff’s office again and again. We were all on alert, day and night. I wish I could explain how exhausting it is to hear something outside, get up to check, and then try to go back to sleep when you know it could happen again tomorrow night.

Since I started writing about Morgan, people have shared their own experiences with me. Their stories have made me think about how hard it can be to explain what’s happening when someone hears only one piece of it. A phone call. A car outside. A message. You’re trying to tell them why you’re scared, and they’re trying to make sense of one incident. You’re living with all of them.

That’s one reason I want to talk about gaslighting and stalking. Stalking is about power and control. Gaslighting can be one of the ways someone tries to keep that control.

When someone makes you question what you know

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that wears down your trust in your own memory, perceptions, or judgment. Someone may repeatedly deny what happened, insist you remembered it wrong, or tell you that your reaction is proof you can’t be trusted to explain it. Over time, you may find yourself apologizing for bringing up the very thing that frightened you.

Imagine an ex keeps showing up where you work after you’ve asked them to leave you alone. When you bring it up, they insist you’re imagining things. Then they tell mutual friends you’ve become obsessed with them. The next time you see them outside, you hesitate to tell anyone. You’re already wondering what they’ll say about you if you do.

A friend might also say, “Maybe it was a coincidence,” because they heard about one encounter. That can be painful and dismissive. Gaslighting goes further. It’s a pattern of manipulation that undermines your confidence in what you’ve experienced.

Why the whole story matters

A gift left at your door might look kind to someone who sees only the gift. If you’ve already asked the person to stop contacting you and they keep finding ways to reach you, that same gift can make you afraid to open your door. The history is what gives that moment its meaning. The Stalking Prevention, Awareness & Resource Center explains that behavior that seems harmless to an outsider can be frightening in the context of a stalking pattern.

If someone you love tells you they’re being stalked, please listen long enough to hear the whole story. You can say, “I’m glad you told me. Has anything like this happened before?” That simple question gives them room to explain what they’ve been living with.

You can ask for help while you’re still making sense of it

If it’s safe for you to do so, write down what happened, when it happened, and who saw it. Save relevant messages or voicemails somewhere the person can’t access. Write down what you observed, even if you’re unsure who was responsible. A victim advocate can help you look at the pattern and think through safety options for your situation. SPARC also offers a free stalking incident log and victim handbook.

This is one of the reasons I started The Stalking Case Logs. I want people to hear what stalking is like from the people who’ve lived through it. And I want the next person who hears, “You’re overreacting,” to know they can still ask for help. You deserve to be heard, even when you’re still finding the words for what happened.

If this made you think of someone, please share it with them. Sometimes hearing “I’m glad you told me” is what helps someone keep talking.

Share Your Story. Announcing The Stalking Case Logs

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I’m excited to share something that means a great deal to me. I’m launching The Stalking Case Logs, a woman-owned company that builds on the advocacy work I began after the stalking and death of my youngest daughter, Morgan.

Losing Morgan changed my life. It also taught me why education and awareness matter so much. When you know what stalking can look like, you may recognize a pattern that’s hard to see when you’re living through it. And when someone else puts into words what you’ve been feeling, it can help you feel less alone.

When I started Morgan’s Stalking, I had no idea how many people it would reach. The blog has now received more than 7.5 million views from over 110 countries. What has stayed with me most are the thousands of comments from people affected by stalking. So many of you trusted me with experiences that were painful to talk about. You showed me how much it matters to have somewhere to tell your story and be heard.

That’s why I’m asking you to share your story, if and when you’re ready. Whether the stalking is happening now or happened many years ago, I’d like to hear from you. If you’d like help putting your experience into words, I’ll work with you. You can talk about what happened, what it felt like at the time, how you feel now, and what has changed in your life. You decide how much to share, and you can choose to remain anonymous in anything we publish.

With your permission, your story may be featured on The Stalking Case Logs, on our Facebook page, or in a future podcast.

To get in touch, click the little comment bubble on the top right and leave a brief note. I’ll respond. Please keep names and identifying details out of the public comments. If you’d rather reach out privately, you can message me through The Stalking Case Logs on Facebook.

“All that you touch You Change.”
— Octavia E. Butler

I believe education and awareness save lives. If you know someone who could use this invitation, please pass it along. You may help someone who has been suffering in silence feel ready to reach out.

How to Get a Protective Order Against a Stalker…

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How to Get a Protective Order Against a Stalker

You should not have to wait for someone to hurt you before asking for protection.

The repeated messages. The unwanted appearances. The person who somehow knows where you have been, who you were with, or when you will be home.

When you are being stalked, everyday life can become an exhausting exercise in anticipating danger. You check the locks. Watch your mirrors. Question whether it is safe to answer the door.

You deserve to understand your options—and to have your fear taken seriously.

A protective order may be one of those options. Knowing how to request one can help you take the next step with greater confidence.

This guide addresses the United States. Eligibility, court procedures, deadlines, and available protections vary by state and order type. It provides general information, not individual legal advice.

First, Put Your Immediate Safety First

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Before filing, consider speaking with a stalking victim advocate about safety planning. A stalker may react to being served with court papers, and planning for that possibility matters. Think through safety at home, at work, at school, and while traveling between them.

You are not responsible for the stalker’s behavior. A safety plan is a tool for supporting you, never a measure of whether you have done enough.

1. Find Out Which Protective Order Applies

Depending on where you live, the court may call it a protective order, restraining order, stalking protection order, or civil harassment order.

Your relationship to the stalker can affect which order you request. An order for abuse by a current or former intimate partner may differ from one involving a neighbor, acquaintance, coworker, or stranger.

Ask your local court’s self-help center, a legal aid organization, or a victim advocate:

  • Which order covers this behavior and relationship?
  • Which court should receive the application?
  • Is temporary protection available?
  • What information and evidence should I submit?

Civil protective orders generally do not require a criminal charge or conviction. You can often begin the civil process yourself, separately from a criminal investigation.

2. Document the Pattern

Stalking can be difficult to explain when people examine each incident separately.

A delivery may look harmless. A parked car may look ordinary. A message may sound friendly to someone who does not know the history.

Explain what connects the incidents—and why that pattern causes fear.

Keep an incident log with dates, times, locations, descriptions, witnesses, and any related report numbers. Note how the behavior affected your life: changing your route, missing work, losing sleep, or feeling unsafe at home. SPARC provides a free documentation log to help organize this information.

Preserve original messages, voicemails, emails, photographs, and relevant online posts when safely possible. Keep identifying details, such as account names and email headers. Your testimony is also evidence; lacking photographs or witnesses does not mean you have nothing to present.

Do not put yourself in danger to collect more proof.

3. Tell the Court What Happened—Specifically

When completing the application, describe actions rather than relying only on labels.

Instead of writing, “He keeps stalking me,” explain what the person did, when it happened, how often it happened, and why you fear for your safety.

For example, a fictional illustration might read:

“On October 3, he waited outside my workplace for approximately 40 minutes. On October 5, he sent messages describing the clothes I wore that morning. I had not shared that information with him. I now fear that he is watching me when I leave home.”

Use your own facts. If a date is approximate, say so. Clearly distinguish what you personally observed from what someone else told you or what you suspect.

Ask a court self-help center or attorney to help you connect those facts to your state’s legal requirements.

Before submitting papers, ask how to protect confidential information. Find out whether your address, phone number, or attachments will be disclosed to the other person, and what confidentiality options are available.

4. Ask About Temporary Protection

Some courts can consider a request for temporary protection before a full hearing. It is not automatic: a judge must review the request under the applicable law.

California’s civil harassment process, for example, includes filing papers, judicial consideration of temporary protection, service on the other person, and a hearing where both sides can present evidence. Other states have their own procedures and timelines.

Read every document the court returns. Confirm whether temporary protection was granted, what it prohibits, and when the next hearing occurs.

5. Follow the Rules for Serving the Papers

“Service” means formally delivering the required court documents to the other person.

Do not confront the stalker or try to hand over papers yourself. Ask the court about lawful service through a sheriff, process server, or another authorized person.

Follow your court’s instructions for deadlines and proof of service. If the person cannot be located or avoids service, ask what court-approved alternatives are available.

In California civil harassment cases, applicants cannot serve their own papers. Proper service is necessary for the case to proceed to a longer-term order, and the court may allow additional time or another method in qualifying circumstances.

6. Prepare for the Hearing

Organize your timeline and supporting evidence so you can explain the pattern clearly. Ask the court in advance about submitting exhibits, presenting witnesses, remote appearances, and available safety arrangements.

Write down the protections you want the judge to consider. Depending on local law, these may include restrictions on contact or approaching particular places.

You do not have to minimize your fear to appear reasonable. You also do not have to embellish your experience to make it matter.

Describe what happened. Explain its impact. Ask for the protection you need.

7. Understand and Use the Order

If an order is issued, read it carefully. Know its restrictions, expiration date, and any remaining service requirements.

Keep an accessible copy. Ask an advocate or attorney how to report violations and when to request renewal. Document prohibited contact when safely possible; do not respond or arrange a meeting to obtain more evidence.

Violations can have legal consequences, but reporting procedures and enforcement depend on the order and jurisdiction. An order also cannot guarantee that stalking will stop. Continue adapting your safety plan.

If Your Request Is Denied

A denial can feel devastating. It is not a judgment of your worth or a reason to dismiss your fear.

Ask a lawyer or court self-help center to explain the decision and any available next steps or deadlines. Continue working with an advocate on safety and documenting further incidents when safe.

You still deserve support.

You Deserve a Life Beyond Watching Over Your Shoulder

Seeking protection can be frightening, exhausting, and deeply personal. No victim should be blamed for pursuing an order—or for deciding, after considering their circumstances, that another approach is safer.

For help finding local victim services, visit VictimConnect. For stalking information and documentation resources, visit SPARC.

Your fear deserves to be heard. Your safety deserves action. And you deserve support while deciding what comes next.

A Letter To Myself…

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Dear Self,

Remember how frightened and lost you felt when your 19-year-old daughter, Morgan, became the victim of a stalker. You had no idea what to do or where to turn. Morgan was terrified. You were scared for her and angry that someone was stealing her peace. All you wanted was to protect her and keep her safe.

For four months, you did not have a full night’s sleep. The stalker kept waking you. You were afraid to leave the house unoccupied, fearing someone would break in while you were gone. Morgan was afraid to go outside without pepper spray, especially after dark. She feared someone might hide beneath her bed, so she removed the frame and lowered her bed to the floor, leaving no space underneath.

You learned what it means to live in constant fear: always looking over your shoulder, checking your surroundings, anticipating every vulnerability. Hypervigilance became part of everyday life.

You did everything you could think of to protect her. You established safety protocols, installed cameras and motion detectors, and called the sheriff’s office whenever something happened, day or night. You kept a detailed log of every incident. Eventually, it became a felony stalking case.

But after only four months, Morgan was found dead, and your world shattered.

There are no words that can fully explain the pain of losing a child. Alongside that grief came the relentless question: Was there something else I could have done?

Remember this: You loved her. You listened to her. You took her fear seriously and fought to protect her with the knowledge and resources you had. You deserved help. Morgan deserved safety. The responsibility for stalking belonged to the person who chose to terrorize her.

You would never be the same. You were now a mother carrying the loss of your daughter and a survivor of the fear that had consumed your family.

In that darkness, you felt pulled between disappearing beneath the covers and finding the strength to stand up. Slowly, you chose to move forward. You wanted justice for Morgan. You wanted to understand the justice system and stalking protocols. Above all, you wanted other young women to have the chance to survive.

Six months after Morgan’s death, you launched https://www.MorganIngram.com, which included the blog https://www.MorgansStalking.com and the Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/morgansstalking. You began sharing a daily timeline of what Morgan had experienced, leading up to the day she died https://morgansstalking.com/?p=389.

You could not have known how far her story would reach.

People in more than 115 countries read it. They wrote with questions, thoughts, encouragement, and stories of their own. Some told you they finally recognized the behavior they were experiencing. Others said Morgan’s story helped them understand their fear, seek support, or feel less alone. If you go to https://morgansstalking.com/?p=389 you can start reading the timeline and view all the comments below each blog post.

Through those messages, you discovered that sharing Morgan’s story could help others find their voice.

You came to understand how essential education and awareness are. Recognizing stalking behaviors and knowing where to turn can help people make informed decisions about their safety. Your willingness to speak about something so painful gave others the courage to speak, too.

Remember that your grief does not require you to be strong every moment. You can rest. You can cry. You can step back when life asks more of you than you can give. None of that diminishes your love for Morgan or your commitment to helping others.

Keep learning. Keep speaking. Keep honoring her life.

I promise myself that I will continue fighting for justice and raising awareness of the dangers of stalking. I will carry Morgan’s memory into every story I share and every person I help.

My love for her has never ended.

Neither has my determination. Remember, always keep moving forward. Don’t ever let anyone slow you down.

Love,
Me

Stalking and Social Media: Privacy Tips to Help Protect Yourself

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Social media allows us to share our lives, connect with others, and build communities. But someone who is stalking can misuse those same platforms to gather information, monitor activities, and continue unwanted contact.

A photograph, a tagged location, or a friend’s comment may reveal more than we realize.

You deserve to stay connected without living in fear. And if someone uses your online presence to stalk you, their behavior is their responsibility.

Privacy precautions can help reduce exposure. They cannot guarantee safety or make a victim responsible for stopping a stalker.

Start With a Plan for Your Safety

If you suspect someone is monitoring your accounts or devices, consider using a safer device—one they have not had access to—to seek help.

Before suddenly changing passwords, removing access, or closing accounts, think about how that person might respond. Someone who notices they have lost access may escalate their behavior. A victim advocate can help you weigh options and create a plan that fits your circumstances.

1. Review Who Can See Your Information

Look through each social media account’s privacy settings. Where available, review:

  • Who can see your posts, stories, and personal information.
  • Who can send messages or connection requests.
  • Who can tag or mention you.
  • Whether tagged posts require your approval.
  • Whether people can find your account using your phone number or email address.

Review older posts, too. A private account can reduce exposure, but approved followers may still share what they see. Be cautious about unfamiliar accounts, even when they appear to have mutual connections.

2. Keep Your Location and Routines Private

Avoid posting where you are right now or announcing where you will be next. Consider waiting until you have left a location before sharing photos.

Pay attention to what appears in the background: street signs, house numbers, business names, school logos, and other recognizable details can reveal a location without a check-in.

Repeated posts about the same gym, coffee shop, school pickup, or walking route can also reveal routines. Think about the pattern your posts create over time.

3. Ask Trusted People to Help Protect Your Privacy

Your own settings are only part of the picture. Friends and relatives may unintentionally share your whereabouts through photos, tags, comments, or event posts.

You can tell them:

“Please don’t post my location, tag me in real time, or share information about my schedule. Please check with me before posting photos of me or my children.”

Ask trusted people not to give out your contact information or whereabouts to someone asking about you—even if that person sounds friendly or claims to be concerned.

4. Strengthen Account Security When It Is Safe

Use a strong, unique password for each account and enable multifactor authentication. Review login activity and unfamiliar sessions where those options are available.

If you suspect device monitoring, make account changes from a safer device. Returning to a monitored device may expose your new credentials. Plan these changes with support if losing access could trigger retaliation.

5. Save Evidence Before Reporting or Removing Content

It is understandable to want a frightening message gone immediately. When safe, preserve it first. Reporting a post or account may lead to content being removed.

Useful documentation can include:

  • The full message or post, with surrounding context.
  • The account name, profile link, and post URL.
  • Dates and times.
  • A brief description of what happened.
  • Any related offline incident and how it affected your safety.

Keep original messages when possible and store copies somewhere the person cannot access. Some apps notify users about certain screenshots; photographing the screen with a separate, safer device may be an alternative. Your safety comes before collecting evidence.

6. Consider Blocking as Part of Your Safety Plan

Blocking can reduce unwanted contact, but it may also lead someone to create new accounts or change tactics. Consider preserving evidence first and discussing possible reactions with an advocate.

You do not owe someone continued access to you. The safest way to limit that access depends on your situation.

You Deserve Support

Stalking can involve several tactics, online and offline. Repeated unwanted contact, monitoring, threats, or attempts to reach you through other people deserve attention. Look at the overall pattern, rather than dismissing each incident in isolation.

For practical resources, visit NNEDV’s Safety Net Project and SPARC’s documentation logs and victim handbooks. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

You have a right to privacy, connection, and a life free from stalking. You do not have to navigate this alone.