I know I have mentioned before that when my youngest daughter, Morgan, was being stalked, we put up cameras and motion detectors. We called the sheriff’s office again and again. We were all on alert, day and night. I wish I could explain how exhausting it is to hear something outside, get up to check, and then try to go back to sleep when you know it could happen again tomorrow night.
Since I started writing about Morgan, people have shared their own experiences with me. Their stories have made me think about how hard it can be to explain what’s happening when someone hears only one piece of it. A phone call. A car outside. A message. You’re trying to tell them why you’re scared, and they’re trying to make sense of one incident. You’re living with all of them.
That’s one reason I want to talk about gaslighting and stalking. Stalking is about power and control. Gaslighting can be one of the ways someone tries to keep that control.
When someone makes you question what you know
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that wears down your trust in your own memory, perceptions, or judgment. Someone may repeatedly deny what happened, insist you remembered it wrong, or tell you that your reaction is proof you can’t be trusted to explain it. Over time, you may find yourself apologizing for bringing up the very thing that frightened you.
Imagine an ex keeps showing up where you work after you’ve asked them to leave you alone. When you bring it up, they insist you’re imagining things. Then they tell mutual friends you’ve become obsessed with them. The next time you see them outside, you hesitate to tell anyone. You’re already wondering what they’ll say about you if you do.
A friend might also say, “Maybe it was a coincidence,” because they heard about one encounter. That can be painful and dismissive. Gaslighting goes further. It’s a pattern of manipulation that undermines your confidence in what you’ve experienced.
Why the whole story matters
A gift left at your door might look kind to someone who sees only the gift. If you’ve already asked the person to stop contacting you and they keep finding ways to reach you, that same gift can make you afraid to open your door. The history is what gives that moment its meaning. The Stalking Prevention, Awareness & Resource Center explains that behavior that seems harmless to an outsider can be frightening in the context of a stalking pattern.
If someone you love tells you they’re being stalked, please listen long enough to hear the whole story. You can say, “I’m glad you told me. Has anything like this happened before?” That simple question gives them room to explain what they’ve been living with.
You can ask for help while you’re still making sense of it
If it’s safe for you to do so, write down what happened, when it happened, and who saw it. Save relevant messages or voicemails somewhere the person can’t access. Write down what you observed, even if you’re unsure who was responsible. A victim advocate can help you look at the pattern and think through safety options for your situation. SPARC also offers a free stalking incident log and victim handbook.
This is one of the reasons I started The Stalking Case Logs. I want people to hear what stalking is like from the people who’ve lived through it. And I want the next person who hears, “You’re overreacting,” to know they can still ask for help. You deserve to be heard, even when you’re still finding the words for what happened.
If this made you think of someone, please share it with them. Sometimes hearing “I’m glad you told me” is what helps someone keep talking.