Sat down to type on the computer just now, and a song started playing…Samson by Regina Spektor. And here we go again – here comes a big punch to my heart, and the tears start to flow. No way to stop them when this happens.
This was one of the songs that Morgan used to play on her keyboard, while singing the lyrics. I love hearing it – Morgan’s sweet voice was so similar to what I am hearing right now that I feel like I am listening to her sing again. I remember one day, just weeks before she was gone forever, I turned on my phone’s recorder to try to record her, but alas she was just too intuitive, she stopped playing and turned and looked at me with a smile…so I don’t have that recording 🙁
I truly believe that music is another way we receive signs from our loved ones. It has happened to me so many times since Morgan was taken from this world. When it happens it is usually right when I need another reminder that she is still with me – she is saying, “Hi mom.” It is painful, and yet comforting all at the same time…an important song starts to play loud enough to catch my attention. Not a very subtle hint – more like a statement that is very profound.
I recently read the words of another mother of a young woman that had been murdered over 16 years ago, she said, “Behind every murder victim’s photo and behind every inaccurate article, there was an actual human being with a soul, who won’t go to college now or get married, whose brother will fall into drugs, whose father will have a heart attack, whose mother might never come out of her fog, whose family and community will never be the same because she isn’t here. Who might have done great things in this world, who was taken by darkness and we can’t see any light anymore……..”
This woman did a great job of explaining the domino effect that happens when evil takes an innocent life. That selfish sick criminal act creates many, many co-victims – co-victims who’s lives are forever changed, and will never be the same. It’s a hard thing to describe to someone that has never lost a loved one to a sudden act of violence. The pain, confusion, anger and helplessness that hits you causes you to want to want to fold into yourself and sob…sob like you never knew you could. You want to become a ghost…you no longer want to continue on because you can never view the world as you had before. Monsters become real and they look like regular humans. You no longer trust, you hurt 24/7 and yet you sometimes manager to take a deep breath, pull yourself together and face another day.
