Yesterday was a day I was not looking forward to – it was my birthday.  For the days leading up to it my heart was hurting more and more.  All I could think of was the last birthday that I celebrated with Morgan.  It was a really good memory, but also so very painful for me only because I know I will never have another holiday or birthday with Morgan.  My reality is forever changed.

July 21, 2011 I woke up and couldn’t think of anything that I’d like to do to celebrate my birthday.  Steve & Morgan had both asked me what I wanted to do, but I could not really think of anything.  Then in the late afternoon Morgan came home with Rainer.  Steve said we were all going out to dinner.  It was a great dinner and we all had fun talking and joking about things.  When we arrived home Morgan brought out a birthday cake she had gotten for me, put the candles on and lit them – they all sang happy birthday.  It was really nice.

Then after we all had cake Rainer & Morgan went in her room to get something.  They came out with little sheepish grins on their faces and gave me a present.  I opened the card – it was from both of them.  It was so sweet.  Then I opened the present…I couldn’t believe it.  It was a black metal bell with a figure of a horse on the top.  It was meant to be mounted on the side of the house, by the front door.  It was a copy of one of the old bells that moms would ring in order to “call” their family to the house for dinner.

Morgan knew I missed the ranch her dad had built where she had been born in Old Snowmass, CO.  She knew I wanted so much to build another ranch and she said with this present I would already have the first thing to attach to the outside of the “future” ranch house.  I actually started to cry because I realized from the sparkle in her eyes that she truly believed at that time that her dad would build another ranch.  I love Morgan so much – and I miss her so much, and no, I will never get over it.  I lost Morgan, her family lost her, her friends lost her, the world lost her…she was taken against her will and at the hands of another.  My dream now is not the dream I had of building another ranch, it is now the dream of getting justice for Morgan, and fighting for all the victims and families of stalking, missing persons, and homicide.  My passion now is for justice – but that little bell will still ring one day, maybe not to call everyone to dinner, but it will ring out in celebration because my heart knows someday there will be justice.

Anyway, getting back to my birthday yesterday, it did not turn out to be a sad day for me.  I “felt” Morgan in the morning and throughout the day.  Every time I started to cry she “blasted” me with what I can only explain as a blast of heat that created tingles down my spine.  It seemed like she was saying, “Don’t cry – you have too much to do, and I am still here with you.”  Because of Morgan’s presence, an amazing friend, and my loving family I ended up having a very magical birthday.  Love really is everything!

Then I was given another message, “Don’t have fear.”  I immediately thought, “I am not fearful.”  Calming down and thinking about it I realized that when I get really sad maybe it is caused by fear.  Fear of that 1% feeling that maybe Morgan won’t get justice.  Fear that all these other victims and their families will continue to suffer with no white knight riding in to right the wrongs that have been thrown at them.  With that realization something happened, the song BRAVE by Sara Barellis came on my computer…and it was really loud!  The emotion that I felt when that song came on was immense!  At that very moment I felt all my determination come back – I will not be fearful, I promise you Morgan, I will be brave and I will not allow fear to silence me.