Yesterday was a day I was not looking forward to – it was my birthday. For the days leading up to it my heart was hurting more and more. All I could think of was the last birthday that I celebrated with Morgan. It was a really good memory, but also so very painful for me only because I know I will never have another holiday or birthday with Morgan. My reality is forever changed.
July 21, 2011 I woke up and couldn’t think of anything that I’d like to do to celebrate my birthday. Steve & Morgan had both asked me what I wanted to do, but I could not really think of anything. Then in the late afternoon Morgan came home with Rainer. Steve said we were all going out to dinner. It was a great dinner and we all had fun talking and joking about things. When we arrived home Morgan brought out a birthday cake she had gotten for me, put the candles on and lit them – they all sang happy birthday. It was really nice.
Then after we all had cake Rainer & Morgan went in her room to get something. They came out with little sheepish grins on their faces and gave me a present. I opened the card – it was from both of them. It was so sweet. Then I opened the present…I couldn’t believe it. It was a black metal bell with a figure of a horse on the top. It was meant to be mounted on the side of the house, by the front door. It was a copy of one of the old bells that moms would ring in order to “call” their family to the house for dinner.
Morgan knew I missed the ranch her dad had built where she had been born in Old Snowmass, CO. She knew I wanted so much to build another ranch and she said with this present I would already have the first thing to attach to the outside of the “future” ranch house. I actually started to cry because I realized from the sparkle in her eyes that she truly believed at that time that her dad would build another ranch. I love Morgan so much – and I miss her so much, and no, I will never get over it. I lost Morgan, her family lost her, her friends lost her, the world lost her…she was taken against her will and at the hands of another. My dream now is not the dream I had of building another ranch, it is now the dream of getting justice for Morgan, and fighting for all the victims and families of stalking, missing persons, and homicide. My passion now is for justice – but that little bell will still ring one day, maybe not to call everyone to dinner, but it will ring out in celebration because my heart knows someday there will be justice.
Anyway, getting back to my birthday yesterday, it did not turn out to be a sad day for me. I “felt” Morgan in the morning and throughout the day. Every time I started to cry she “blasted” me with what I can only explain as a blast of heat that created tingles down my spine. It seemed like she was saying, “Don’t cry – you have too much to do, and I am still here with you.” Because of Morgan’s presence, an amazing friend, and my loving family I ended up having a very magical birthday. Love really is everything!
Then I was given another message, “Don’t have fear.” I immediately thought, “I am not fearful.” Calming down and thinking about it I realized that when I get really sad maybe it is caused by fear. Fear of that 1% feeling that maybe Morgan won’t get justice. Fear that all these other victims and their families will continue to suffer with no white knight riding in to right the wrongs that have been thrown at them. With that realization something happened, the song BRAVE by Sara Barellis came on my computer…and it was really loud! The emotion that I felt when that song came on was immense! At that very moment I felt all my determination come back – I will not be fearful, I promise you Morgan, I will be brave and I will not allow fear to silence me.
Sara Bareilles – Brave Lyrics
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if youSay what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be braveWith what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be braveI just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be braveI just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be braveEverybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
Dear Toni,
I read here a couple of years ago about Morgan’s stalking. I meant to write you then, but I was at a loss for words regarding what Morgan and your family have been put through.
I honestly was scared out of my wits when reading your account of the stalking. The one who did this is pure evil and a person like that is unlikely to change. Morgan impressed me as a one if a kind type of person. Many pictures of her seem to have an ethereal glow around her. I know if I had crossed paths with her, she would have made an awesome impact.
I am shocked that law enforcement does not get it. It’s certainly not hard to see what happened to Morgan. Their stubbornness to refuse to admit they failed Morgan really bothers me. I hope that changes in the future.
I just wanted to reach out and give you some support. I am very upset to again come here and find that Morgan still has no justice. You have been such a wonderful advocate on your daughter’s behalf and your strength is amazing.
I truly believe Morgan comes to you. Her spirit is very much alive and with you. Years ago, my father passed away. I had driven to a spot where I grew up on the harbor. I parked at the dead end and looked out at the water where we kept our boat and just lost it. I was on my lunch hour and knew I had to return to work shortly, so I leaned back in the car seat and closed my eyes to stop the tears. It was then that I felt something on the bridge of my nose. I opened my eyes to see a beautiful monarch butterfly. I just knew it was my Dad sending comfort. It has happened many times since. I am sure Morgan is the dragonfly. I hope this offers you a little peace from one Mom to another.
Oh Adrienne, thank you so very much for all your beautiful words…I really appreciate them. It is so frustrating and upsetting that it has been over 3 years now and Morgan still has not received justice. What makes it even harder is the fact that it hasn’t changed in that county for other victims of stalking either. I have been trying to help a young woman from that same area – her stalker has broken 2 protection orders and even found her at the safe house she was hiding out at. Law enforcement & the judicial system have done the same thing to her as they did with Morgan (they do not follow the state laws) and she is in fear for her life. At this point in time the best advice I could give her was to protect herself – take a self defense class, get a taser or something else to protect herself if he comes after her again…which unfortunately will most likely happen as these stalkers do not just go away. This has to change. I really hope when Morgan’s investigation finally does get opened, and the people that tried to suppress the truth are held accountable for their actions, and Morgan’s stalker(s) are arrested, maybe that will be the start of changes being made. Maybe then the victims will have some rights instead of all the rights going to the stalkers. In my heart this is my intention that I am sending out to the Universe.
I also want to thank you for sharing your story about your dad with me. I also believe your dad was sending you a sign of comfort. I do believe the signs are there for all of us, but sometimes folks don’t understand them or just don’t see them. Our loved ones never stop loving us they just have to show us in different ways. Take care and again thank you so much for writing in.
Toni,
You have discovered what I also have-that helping others is a wonderful way to bring joy and meaning back into our lives.
I’m sure the gal who is being stalked appreciates you in her corner. Often the victim feels psychologically alone, especially, in my opinion, law enforcement and the court system do not do enough to put this type of predator away for a long time.
Her stalker, like so many others, seems determined and fixated on her. I don’t know if this will help her, but I will throw it out there because it is a good tip in general: keep your car key fob on your nightstand. If you hear something outside on your property, push the fob button and activate the car alarm. Most shady types won’t stick around when so much noise is bringing attention to your property.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
Thank you so much! The car key fob idea I had posted on Morgan’s Stalking Facebook page over a year ago and I am so glad you reminded me as it is a good idea…I will share it with the gal I am trying to help. Helping others is the only thing I have found that keeps me feeling positive and gives me purpose. I am so happy you found my blog and you have shared your thoughts with me. /Users/Toni/Desktop/namaste.jpg
Thank you so much! The car key fob idea I had posted on Morgan’s Stalking Facebook page over a year ago and I am so glad you reminded me as it is a good idea…I will share it with the gal I am trying to help. Helping others is the only thing I have found that keeps me feeling positive and gives me purpose. I am so happy you found my blog and you have shared your thoughts with me.