Morgan loved to bake…and as you can see she also loved to photograph everything 🙂
For the first 2 years after Morgan’s murder I could barely breathe. Sounds crazy, I know. I didn’t consciously know I was holding my breath, but I was. When you lose a child like this the pain is so great that it’s hard to breathe.
I was in what I now call “Survival Mode” where I was just going through my normal everyday paces, trying to smile for others, trying to act like I wasn’t falling apart inside…but I was. Confusion, shock, and anger became my daily state of being. I couldn’t sleep – thoughts kept running through my mind, I had so much guilt for not getting Morgan away soon enough, as I knew she was in danger. I was constantly wondering about what really happened to her. Wanting to know if she suffered, and why this happened to her…many times feeling like I was just having a nightmare, and if I could just wake up everything would be fine again and Morgan would be off at college studying for tests.
I wanted to talk to others about Morgan, about what had happened, I wanted to shout it out, I wanted to tell people, “No, I am not okay,” but instead all I could do, when they asked how I was holding up, was to say, “I am fine.”
Six months after Morgan’s murder, someone actually said, “I want my old Toni back,” I was shocked! My mind could not even imagine how those words could come out of someone’s mouth…what had happened to my youngest daughter had forever changed me. and I knew I would never be the same, I could not understand how others could not understand that the old Toni was gone forever, along with Morgan.
So, now over 7 years later, I can finally say that I have come to terms with the fact that this pain will never go away, I have just learned to live with it. I now use that pain and the knowledge that it has given me, to try and help others. Onward I go in the pursuit of justice for Morgan, raising awareness of the seriousness of stalkers, and reaching out to others in need of an ear. Just as Morgan’s story needed to be told, so many other stories as well, they need to be told so no victim will be forgotten…they all matter, they were all loved and they all had hopes and dreams that were violently taken from them, just like Morgan.