Mogwai looking out Morgan’s window

After reading the reports from the Coroner last night and then rereading them in the morning, it was not getting any better.  As I became more and more upset over all of the errors in the reports, which to me should have been very precise and accurate, Steve tried to calm me down by dismissing it all as those involved being inept or lazy.  Something we could correct, we shouldn’t have to be correcting them, but something we would get corrected.

I emailed copies to one of Morgan’s doctor’s to see if she could decipher it all and let me know what she thought.  I called the Detective back and started explaining how it was all wrong, and wondered how it could have gotten like this it wasn’t even close!  He also urged me not to worry, and added that we could always ask for a Coroners inquest if we wanted to.  Another term for another process I knew nothing about!  Then I spoke with Dr. Kurtzman (the Forensic Pathologist that did Morgan’s autopsy) and he said it’s no big deal just call Thomas Walton over at the Coroner’s office and give him the correct changes and he will make them since he is the one that types it up.  Well that was wrong because I called the Coroner’s office, Thomas wasn’t in so I explained what I was trying to get accomplished to the woman on the phone, she gave me Thomas’ email address and I emailed Thomas the corrections only to get the same woman the next day calling me in a very excited tone stating that Thomas gets all the information for the report from Dr. Kurtzman and the detective and if I want anything changed they have to authorize it.  Was this a run around or what?

And meanwhile, where exactly was Morgan’s investigation going?  We needed to all get together and discuss this, soon…very soon.

Half the house was packed up for a move, and we were sifting through options to move to.  Morgan’s dog Wylah and her cat Mogwai seemed to be coming to the realization she was not coming back, and they were both very sad, animals grieving in their own way.  This was longer than Morgan had ever been gone from the house before, and very little was left in her room that wasn’t already packed up.  And that was just too much for her babies.  They were not sure where to sleep anymore, and had begun venturing all the way to our room, just to check it out.

Wylah had developed a cough that was really bothering me so I brought her to see Dr. Ben today.  He told me about how pets grieve and didn’t find anything wrong with her so I felt like it was both good, and bad at the same time.  Poor baby she had spent such little time with Morgan.  Although so many of Morgan’s friends were coming by to spend time with Wylah, it obviously wasn’t enough.

Today is February 3, 2013 – Over the year many specialists have read over Morgan’s autopsy report, and in a strange coincidence every single one at some point reacted just like Steve, obvious mistake here, simple to correct.  If fact in the beginning they volunteered to talk Coroner to Coroner or Doctor to Doctor, and spare us the added grief.  After the first few came away shaking their heads at the brick wall they had just encountered in Garfield County we chose to not take that path again.  No matter how much they assured us they could probably solve this with a phone call we declined.

We had never been in a situation like this and there was one thing I was quite confident of.  If it was a matter of evidence that we needed to prove whatever had happened to Morgan we would find it, would would never stop digging, and then everything would be fine.  So for over a year now we have been dutifully submitting, sharing, not our opinions, but the opinions of respected experts from around the country, who point out and explain simple basic mistakes in Morgan’s case, at a level I can understand, and if I don’t understand, Steve certainly does, but to date none of this vast knowledge has swayed one official in Garfield County into admitting one mistake in Morgan’s case.  It was certainly sometimes so deflating to feel like we hit another block wall, come to a dead stop, but we will as always persevere – so never fear, it won’t end here.

Detective Rob called in the early evening and asked if I had seen the autopsy report.  I had not, and told him that.  He was surprised the Coroner had not called to tell us about it, but he did have a copy on his computer, and was going to send it over as soon as he warned me about something that was on it first.

Naturally I went numb.  It was some horrific detail of her death that had been found, and I was thinking of every one I knew as he gathered himself to tell me.  Rob started by saying he was not sure why they had worded it so strongly, because it really wasn’t like how it came out on the report. I couldn’t take the waiting, and asked him to just tell me.  He was obviously flummoxed by this, but finally told me that it said Morgan was an occasional cocaine user.  Compared to everything I had just been thinking this was at first not so bad, but immediately I reversed and thought no this is really bad, because it’s not true – it’s actually laughable.

I asked Rob why it said that, where is this coming from?  Rob said it was from his notes.  He was the only one doing interviews, and he had talked to two people, and they had both said that she had tried cocaine once or twice.  He added that even the most straight-laced officer at the Sheriff’s Department had probably tried cocaine at least once.  He repeated that he was surprised with how it had been worded, knowing the reality, and just wanted me to know that before I saw it.

I dropped that point for the moment and started to ask about what else the PER said, how did she die, what had they found?  He didn’t say much preferring that I read the actual report, but he did say that basically they didn’t find anything, only a sign of second hand cigarette smoke, but no alcohol, and no illegal drugs.  He said he would send it over right now, and if we had questions we could just call the Coroner.

Well – it came as two attachments, first one was 7 pages and titled Postmortem Examination Report.  The first page was about Morgan and from what position WE had found her body in, to what SHE had been doing the last few weeks to what WE thought when she came home the night before it was all wrong, all totally wrong.  We were the only people with first hand knowledge of all of this, and we had been asked very few things and the answers were not what we said – they were completely wrong.   I wondered then, and I would only wonder more in the future, where all of this incorrect information came from.

I read on and stopped dead when I found that her manner of death was natural and from a  condition she never had.  We had some work ahead of us.  Steve was reading in silence over my shoulder, and strangely found hope in the last sentence which read:

“Due to an active stalking investigation at the time of this report, and the potential influence of stress, the manner of death may be reclassified if additional information becomes available.”

Steve hung on that sentence.  To him it may have been stress that killed Morgan, and naturally the stress now present in her life that had never been there before was her stalker.  This was something that had to be ruled out completely, it was in his DNA to do this, and he would.  It wasn’t going to be fast enough for me, but I was confident as I could be that it would happen.

Morgan did not deserve to be stalked the last four months of her life and then die of the stress of her stalking – nobody does.   This had to be taken seriously.

Today is February 2, 2013 –  now of course we know Morgan did not die from the stress of the stalker, we have learned a lot in the last year.  You can bet over the past year I have seen the two witnesses that detective Rob spoke of that night, actually there were three, and why he condensed it to two is just another of those things I am going to have to wait to find out.

I look at this particular fact and see it as a microcosm of Morgan’s investigation.  One of the witnesses was not even in the country, he was relaying something he had heard and believes he was very clear about that fact.  The second witness was there at the time in question, but did not actually see it, only assumed it.  The third witness said something like absolutely not, she spends days helping people get off drugs, why would she do drugs?  His was the statement that was discounted completely.

Why do I care – you wonder?  People try drugs, people experiment with drugs, it happens and I agree completely that it was possible.  But Morgan wasn’t one of those people that cared about drugs.  She had seen up close over her life the harm they can do, and chose not to.

When you are stalked for four months and then found dead what kind of question is that anyway?  Did she drink or do drugs?  A question or two about her stalker might have been more fitting, given the situation.  They ran a tox screen for the drugs of abuse and the results came back zero.  Did they run a sexual assault panel – no!  Then write a one pager to sum up her life, and say occasional cocaine user.  Based on what?  A person chosen to be ignored, a person not in the country, a person who assumed it.  How nice for Morgan.

It’s not like she spent eighteen months of her life in drug rehab.  She spent zero.  It sort of got under my skin that she spent her life doing one thing, actually became known for it, and was summarized as doing the opposite – this was not fair to Morgan, and that is why I am so upset about it.  Morgan never even stole a piece of gum in her lifetime – anything she had she would gladly, and many times did, give to others that needed it more at the time.   I am not trying to make Morgan out to be an angel – but I am telling the truth about her – she was extremely caring, and as close to an earth angel as I have ever seen.  How can these people that are sworn to protect victims like Morgan try to trash her instead.  We now know that even though she was a victim of stalking there was no rape kit administered.  We know that no evidence was taken at the death scene except for her electronics, one old diary (not the most recent one), and our stainless pill holder that I kept in my car with 3 emergency pills.  Her death scene seemed to be treated as though she never had been stalked for 4 months – even though Steve and I were victims of the stalking – I saw the stalker – our cameras caught the stalker – we all heard the noises made by the stalker – this was a felony stalking case.  Am I missing something?  If you die in Garfield County, after being a stalking victim, do you basically get thrown under the bus? – God forbid someone realizes there was a murder committed!

Morgan and her Dad

I sent a text message to detective Rob that some of Morgan’s small things might be missing, I had already verbalized this to him but I wanted him to have it also on a text message.  There was a focus on things out of place, especially missing items.  One of the jewelry items initially thought to be missing had been accounted for, but a disturbingly large number were not, pretty much everything else of value.  We had finished with her room, the car we shared, and her car that had sat for months in the driveway.  The jewelry was not to be found anywhere.

It represented many of the milestones of her life and I was wondering if the stalker had come in the house at some point and taken it.  It was so disturbing to think about it and I chose to put it off for the time being.

When we were going through her car another of those momma warning signals went off.  Morgan was not a neat person.  She had little bits of clutter always in her life.  Her car was no different and as we totally emptied it, where I remembered a little clutter there was now nothing.

Now I was wondering if perhaps the times they could not find the stalker if he was hiding out in Morgan’s car?  I really wanted that to come to a conclusion and her stalking case had really seemed have lost all of its steam.  Detective Rob still had a short list of interviews to complete, but that was about it.  I wondered if they should fingerprint Morgan’s car?  Of course it would be a long shot but there was a feel to it that someone else had been in it, it just didn’t look like it did when Morgan was the only occupant. Unfortunately I was told by the detective because we had no other prints to compare them to it wouldn’t matter if we found prints anyway.  I just didn’t understand what I was being told, on TV they look for prints and keep them in case an arrest is made and then they compare them…is this not true?

The answer as to how Morgan had died we thought we would know any day now and I hung on that answer.  She had seen her doctor right before her death, and her doctor was now absolutely shocked to hear of Morgan’s passing.  I spoke with her about it and I promised to share the autopsy with her as soon as I had it.  All I could tell her was the same thing I had been telling everyone else for weeks, “it was a mystery” which was wearing very thin for me.  There had to be some indication, some clue!  But this is where I was, and I could not wait for some clarity.  Knowing it was very close was helpful.

Today is February 1, 2013 – And the focus is so much sharper than it was back then.  Things that were questionable, very questionable I did not see like that, nor did Steve.  We pretty much accepted whatever we were told and tried to fit it in our thought patterns.  Today obvious things are just that, obvious things, and evidence to be filed and added to the list.  I am not at all sure just when it changed, but it has.  Over this past year it has become apparent that I have accepted the unthinkable to a sufficient degree to be able to deal with this intelligently.  A year ago I had not, and as for suggestions on what to do I am at a loss.  All of our close friends who in their own right all have had some expertise in handling things such as this were as much at a loss as Steve and I were.

What we were finding then was not minor in any way.  Morgan’s missing jewelry is still an issue without an answer today, as are a growing list of other items.  The Sheriffs have no desire to visit the questions, and I am at a loss as to explain how that can be.

It has been without exception that every expert we have been able to have review a portion of her case that is within their expertise has ended of the opposite opinion as the original conclusion, and even more so of the revised “official opinion” that came out last summer.

I continue to fight for my little girl and ask for just the truth to be followed.  It has not happened as of yet, but I am hopeful that it will.  Justice for Morgan is the very least she deserves,  and helping others will really help to bring some resolution to what happened to her.  Morgan’s heart was bigger than any heart I have ever seen in my life – she has accomplished more in the way of helping others than I can ever imagine, and I am determined, in all the years that I will be granted to stay on this earth, to follow in Morgan’s footsteps.

At the suggestion of friends looking out much further into the future than I was, a scholarship fund was suggested to honor Morgan, and after a little thought I landed on the Theatre Program at the local college that Morgan had attended – Colorado Mountain College.  Morgan had so many good times there.  Philosophy and English and Comparative Religions were among her absolute favorites, while Ballet and Yoga had become mainstays in her life, I doubt she would have ever gone long without them.

With so much help from Debra Burleigh at CMC, who had also always been so helpful for Morgan during her time there, the fund was established through Carol J. Efting, Scholarship and Records Coordinator for the Colorado Mountain College Foundation and will serve as a quiet reminder of Morgan and what she had been able to achieve with her perseverance and dedication – for many years to come.

We knew it would have made Morgan very happy because one of her big things in life was to always try and get others to stay in school, go to college, and learn as much as they could.  Support in her memory will fund a student in the Theatre program and Graeme Duke was the first year’s recipient – congratulations Graeme!  And thank you to all those that contributed to the fund, and are continuing to contribute to the fund – it will make a huge difference in another student’s life as well.

In order for contributions to be tax deductible checks should be made payable to the CMC Foundation – earmarked to CMC Spring Valley Theatre in memory of Morgan Ingram. The CMC Foundation tax ID number is 74-2393418.  All contributors who provide a legitimate address will receive a formal acknowledgment letter.  If you have any questions you can contact Carol J. Efting, Scholarships and Records Coordinator, Colorado Mountain College, PO Box 1763, Glenwood Springs, CO 81602.  Her phone # is 970-947-8355 and email [email protected]  website: cmcfoundation.org

After 2 weeks, that we had never sat down to have an in depth interview with the detectives since the morning of Morgan’s death and that continued to bother me.  The morning of her death Detective Rob interviewed both Steve and myself, but it was very brief and we were in shock – now that things had calmed down a little, and our minds were seeing things much more clearly again, it would have been so nice to get questions from the Sheriff’s in order to give them information that was not readily available to us the morning Morgan died because of the state of confusion we were in.  I kept asking and they kept assuring us that they had what they needed for now.

Steve and I spent lots of time house hunting. Without Morgan, and with a stalker who was no longer muscling his unwanted presence into our immediate plans, we were far more wide open.  Anywhere actually, I just wanted to get out of here as soon as possible – I couldn’t stand being in this house where something so horrible had happened to our daughter.  But nothing seemed bright enough and I knew I could not live in dark and dreary the way I was feeling, so after a few intense days we put that search on the back burner again.

Morgan’s friends were stopping by and I was able to spend a lot of time with them.  It was so wonderful to see them all and they were a huge comfort.  I know we were all in some stage of denial and disbelief.  That feeling seemed like it might soften with time, but there was no danger of it going away.

Every piece of electronics that had been there for our use in trying to catch the stalker was stripped away and packed up.  The Sheriff’s department had never reviewed the video cameras yet, and I still had things I wanted to see.  Detective Rob had thought I just wanted to leave it with the Sheriffs department to be put in the evidence locker, but that was never the plan and I requested the DVR back.  He said as soon as it was copied we could have it back.

I knew the stalker was still on there somewhere, caught on tape, waiting to be seen by someone who could sit for hours and review every camera angle, and while we still did not know what happened to Morgan, we would soon, and I wanted to be ready to search whatever we still had when that time came.

On a hunch, a meticulous search of the perimeter of the house was conducted.  Not by the Sheriffs, but by family members.  Anything out of place that could be of value was the target, just as things out of place in her room had been found this was an effort to add to that.  The stalker might not be visiting with great regularity any longer, but perhaps something he had left behind was still here.

I thought it was a brilliant idea.  Steve and I could circle the house a hundred times and see nothing new.  I knew because we had tried.  A few new sets of eyes could certainly not hurt.  And it was not long before they had found something.  Something that did not get there by itself and seemed strange to be sure.  They wore latex gloves and picked the finds out of the tree and put them in individual bags. I called Rob and he said to put them in paper bags if we had them, and he would pick them up the next time over and put them into the evidence locker.

By the time they finished there was a row of zip lock bags all identified and placed in a few paper bags that were stapled closed.  We hadn’t talked much about Morgan’s stalker lately and this activity started the conversation anew.  It was more of a search for some little detail we had overlooked.  New ideas about what to pursue that had not been so far.

The desire to catch this person was very strong, right there below the surface.  What part, if any he had actually played in Morgan’s untimely death was still unknown.  But the fact that he had made of living hell out of what became the last four months of her life was undeniable.

We talked a lot about the desire to stop him so he could not do this again.  He was very good at what he had chosen to do with his life, and would undoubtedly just get better at it.  It became very clear that evening that stopping this stalker from repeating this was a very important goal to us all.

Today is January 31, 2013 – The obvious point is about how important catching the stalker sooner rather than later is so important.  There is a tendency that happened to us and I have also heard from so many others.  The tendency seems to be that following a concerted initial effort to catch the stalker there is a period of trying to ignore the stalker as one of the methods to stop him.  This is completely understandable and even seems logical at the time, but it is so very wrong.

Former detective and stalking expert Mark Wynn is dead on when he explains this as a move to minimize the stalking.  The victim’s first goal is always going to be to make it stop.  Mark explains that as you move to minimize, the stalker only moves to maximize.  A catchy, simple phrase about stalking that is all too true.

Morgan’s stalking went on for four months, which may not sound long when compared to stalkings that go on for years and years.  But over those four months it was impossible to be on a state of high alert every minute of every day.  It was impossible for us, and I suggest it would be equally impossible for most others.  Like running a marathon, at some point everyone has to stop.

Remember that bit of advice given to Steve from yet another stalking victim he met here in the valley.  You have to be on guard 24 hours a day – 7 days a week and the stalker gets to pick and choose his four, five, six or even ten little moments of terror to throw at you.  The sentinels at the castles always rotated to stay fresh and alert, and so must you.  No one person can expect to catch their stalker by themselves.  They must have help, and lots of it.  When I think about it now, without good detection electronics, it would take at least six or seven people to have a decent chance against one stalker -really.

Since most people are not going to have this level of support, there is an encouraging thing I am watching work more and more often…wildlife cameras.  There is a police department in Colorado that has a bunch of WiFi enabled wildlife cameras they deploy at stalking victims homes, and they are making a difference.  The best image of Morgan’s stalker came from a wildlife camera, and yes it is another one of those ideas I am chasing.  This may not be one perfect answer, but the more tools at our disposal to fight back with, the less chance the stalker has to be successful.

And doesn’t that sound nice?

Morgan deep in thought

The last of our guests – they have left us and being alone in the house with Steve knowing there will never be a Morgan again was quite a moment.  It was everything all at once and it was an emptiness that I can’t begin to describe.

We have no choice but to forge on, and as her room is almost finished so I tackle what is left.  Her bed is first, blankets, sheets, pillows, pillowcases.  That none of this was ever collected has been universally frowned upon since her death.  But at that time we still believed.  No sooner had I shaken the top blanket then out popped what was perhaps the last little gift from her father.

Two days before that fateful Friday we were all together in Grand Junction and near the end of the trip she blurted out, “can I have a knife?”  In the context of the moment that she was feeling very threatened and wanted something for self-defense was without doubt, nonetheless I asked her why and she immediately shot back “why do you think?” And Steve said OK.

He wasn’t sure where to go in Grand Junction, and places were closing, but he was confident we could find the perfect one at the surplus store by our house.  Quite by chance at one of his last supply house stops Morgan and I waited in the truck while he went in.  Turns out they had a knife display and of what was left Steve picked more of a cute knife than “the” knife and when he came back out he had drawn a happy face on the box and slipped it to Morgan without a word.

We were backing out of the parking lot as she opened this box and I watched her face light up – she told Steve “Oh I love you daddy, you are the best!”  He promised they would get another one this week, but at least she had this for a back up.  And here was the box still on her bed, and sure enough as I picked it up the knife was still inside.  I showed it to Steve and we just starred for a moment.

There was a hope we would finish the room 100% that evening, but that was not to be.  I did find her diary, her last diary that she had written in, and I sat down with it and read the last entries.  She had shown a few of them to me already, and they were concerning her future in college.  GPA’s she needed and LSAT scores she would have to achieve, and many other goal setting or acknowledging events yet to come for her, along with a list of make-up she needed to get.  I stopped on a page we had discussed together not long before her death.  For an instant she was still standing there talking it over with me and then it was silent.

There would be so many memories of Morgan, we both knew this by now and had been counseled about it by so many.  Steve was certain that once he got to the point he could recite that he was so blessed, and proud to have had Morgan in his life for twenty years, without breaking into tears he will have reached a point of healing.  He hasn’t quite gotten there yet.  We both wanted her to still be here – maybe away at college – maybe on some grand adventure, but always thinking she would return for a visit at least.

I stood up and announced I had found her last diary, and the one before it.  As far as I knew now of the evidence collected by the Sheriffs there was only Morgan’s electronic items, which had all been returned, and a brown diary that was still somewhere.  I now wondered what diary they did have?  Was it an old one?  Was it even Morgan’s at all?  Or was it someone else’s?  A friend of hers had called wondering if they could come by to collect their diary, as they had left it in Morgan’s room.

I had no frame of reference for any of this, but from where I sat things did not seem to have gone well at all.  Both Steve and I wanted to think the best, but we had our questions and once again we decided to wait until the all important “tox results” came back.

Today is January 30, 2013 – There is a certain level of disorganization that has crept into my life, and I am now working to return it back to order.  For some reason the emails and tips I have been sorting, and placing into meaningful folders have had a very common theme.  Belief, for lack of a better term – in so many cases the victim hadn’t actually been believed that they really had a stalker.  People thought it was just their imagination.  This is a very frightening thing…knowing there is someone out there watching and following you, that might do you harm, and people close to you or law enforcement don’t believe you – that is just incomprehensible!  That is when they knew it was not going to go away as easily as it had began.

Take stalking seriously was a tag line I had thought of long ago, and today it is very appropriate.  Victims tell someone first, perhaps a close friend, a family member, or another trusted individual.  And so surprisingly from the emails I receive there is instant disheartenment because they were not believed or not taken seriously.

Remember Morgan at the beginning she was so busy trying to convince us that it was nothing as she told us about her strange noises – this I now know after reading so many stories about stalking is a normal reaction.  And we were no better, so quick to dismiss that first sign of trouble right along with her.  No one wants to believe this could happen to them.

I have re-read many stories today from victims sharing a story of a stalker they suffered through, and so many remembered how disappointed they were that a parent, or boyfriend didn’t even believe anything was happening at first.  I’m sure there are girlfriends out there who are guilty as well, I just didn’t have an email about one.

When you have a stalker there are so many things that are very important to be considered and act on.  The very last of those should be the need to convince those around you that it is happening.

There are truths that begin to make sense as you ponder them.  Such as:

• Murderers are rarely caught at the scene of the murder.
• Murderers rarely confess unless they really think you have the goods on them.
• Stranger stalkers are rarely caught at the scene of the stalking.
• Stranger stalkers rarely confess unless you convince them you have the goods on them.

So meanwhile someone for whom you care very much suffers greatly until one of the above happens.  If you start off by not believing think how much worse it all just became.  We had footprints, wildlife cam photos, videos, a very obviously placed cracked gutter, trails worn into the berms behind our house that you can see from outer space…etc. etc. And exactly how would Morgan feel if she were here to hear the Sheriff and others opine that there was never was never any evidence of a stalker?  This makes no sense to me.

It’s important for the victims of crime to know they are taken seriously, very seriously.  Sounds so simple, but the seriousness is lacking right now, and realizing that will really bring the solution that much closer.