I loved Morgan’s hair…actually I love everything about Morgan. Her smile, her eyes, her voice, her cuddles, everything. I miss everything about her – I miss Morgan. Some mornings I wake up and just cry, I know it is the grieving process, but I still tell myself, “I want Morgan back, I want to wake up and see this was all just a bad dream.” But that never happens, and it never will. I know, just like all the other parents that have lost a child, that I will carry this pain with me until the day I die. Don’t believe anyone that tells you it gets better over time – it doesn’t. I think you just get better at managing it over the years. But even if you get better at managing it – it still gets away from you at times when you least expect it, and the tears flow.
It always seemed like Morgan loved having me brush her hair and braid it. Even when she was an adult, she would sometimes ask me if I could put a french braid in her hair before she went to bed. I think she knew I enjoyed it and it became one of our bonding moments over the years that we did together. Just like squeezing each others hands to say, “I love you,” without words, or doing a girl’s night together where we would both give ourselves facials and laugh at how funny we looked. All those precious memories are all I have left of Morgan. I am so grateful that I have them – nothing can take away the love of a child, not even death.
Parents never think they will loose a child. We usually think we will pass before our children, and when a loved one is violently ripped from your life your whole world changes. I can no longer see Morgan’s bright light, but nevertheless I can “feel” it. And I know others can too. They tell me that the “felt” her right when they needed her. She still comes to comfort them, and to let them know she is okay.
I cannot imagine the pain you feel on an everyday basis. I am a mother of two girls, whom if I lost before my time, I simply don’t know how I would function on a day to day basis. My heart hurts for you and your loss. I tell my 4 year old Morgan how much I love her, and how much I love everything about her. She now tells me on her own how she loves my face, my hair, my eyes, my nose, etc, so on. I have felt a personal connection with your Morgan and family ever since I heard about your blog. I pray that you one day find justice for her murder and I also pray for you to find peace. Always in my heart…..
Oh Jenna thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I love that your 4 year old is named Morgan and that she tells you all those things she loves about you. It is the best feeling a mother can have when her child looks her in the eyes as she touches her hair, eyes or nose, etc. and says how much she loves everything about you. That love will never fade away, never. I along with so many others are still fighting for justice for Morgan, knowing that if we can finally achieve justice for her it will help the way other cases of stalking are treated…hugs to you and your two girls.