The story has been told once, but it was so special it bears telling again. Steve and I had made a decision, not a conscious decision, but a grief stricken parents decision that we would “visit Christmas” but we would not really have a Christmas. I told friends and family as I spoke with them, and they agreed it was probably best, perhaps next year it would be better.
So here we were, and it was Christmas Eve – our oldest daughter, and her husband were with us, they insisted that they had made a reservation, and we were all to go out to Aspen for a Christmas Eve dinner. We agreed, we got ready to go, and I went in Morgan’s bathroom to check on Mogwai. I was so shocked when I saw, sitting right on top of the closed lid of Morgan’s toilet seat, her gold round box with a tassle on the top…it was her honey glitter powder she always wore when she was going out somewhere special. I couldn’t figure out how it had gotten there…most of all her stuff had been packed up. I called Steve and our oldest daughter into the bathroom but neither of them could figure out how it got there either. Then I started to smile – Morgan wanted her sister, and I to put on the honey glitter before we went out…so we did. It was like having Morgan with us. We drove to Aspen and it was beautiful, with all the snow and the lights glittering, and people bustling around, but I still could not shake the feeling like I wish I could just curl up in bed in a ball, and never deal with anything again. But then this amazing warmth fell over me, and I knew in my heart that it was not what Morgan would have wanted, so we went out to dinner, and tried to have a good time. It was really nice being with our oldest daughter and her husband – they were trying their best to have bubbly, happy thoughts and memories, and the food was wonderful. We finished dinner and walked back to the car. We drove back down valley, and went to bed. As I lay there I was thinking Christmas Eve had always seemed so exciting and magical to me – wrapping and hiding presents for kids, cooking and inviting friends over – I had never been one for going out and eating in a restaurant, but I guess our lives never really stay the same. Change is always just around the corner, and I knew it was time for us to change as well. Morgan’s gift of leaving her honey glitter out so we could wear it was very special, and it made me feel like she was still with us, and that was magical enough for me, so I drifted off to sleep.
Today is February 6, 2013 – Remembering her beautiful soul and all that she gave the world in her time helps me realize it is so much more important than remembering how horribly she has been treated since her death as some people try to cover things up. The true Morgan will shine forever, and I applaud all of those who help her memory, with all that she gave to others she should be remembered as she was.
Steve’s identity has apparently been stolen, he discovered this through a letter just delivered at his shop of all places, the first of many I am sure. I have things that need attending to sooner rather than later. Yet how trivial this all is in comparison to the sacrifice Morgan was not asked, but forced to give. The full truth is all that remains to come from this horrific tale – that and the sharing of hope for all other victims. If only Morgan were here to touch you all and share her presence with every single victim of stalking. The difference she would make is without doubt immeasurable. If she could have been there for you she would have, Morgan would have dropped everything to be there at your side. To assist and help in this unbelievably trying time for you. That she can help others only now in spirit is beyond Morgan’s control – but she will help through others. Steve and I will take up the torch – she would so gladly have chosen to carry if she could is without question. It is an honor, and it is our destiny to carry on for her where she can not. And for the wonderful people who assist us in this – thank you so very, very much…we couldn’t do it without you.
We all miss you, and we all love you Morgan…
Hi Toni, I have been reading your blog for months now, and firstly wanted to say how my heart breaks that this has happened. There was something else very important that I wanted to share also. I was talking to a friend the other day, and he was telling me about the time he died. He said he vividly remembered looking at his body, and his family around him crying, the doctors working on him, and he thought, “wow – there’s my body” He said he remembers wanting to reach out to his family and tell them that it was okay, that HE was okay, but couldnt. He could describe everything that happened in the room during that time, and he said that he was not afraid of death anymore, because he had been there and knew it was nothing to be frightened of. He said that the hardest part was coming back – his body was broken and wracked with pain, and he said coming back into it was the most painful experience ever.
It has totally changed his perspective on life. There were things he feared, but doesnt anymore, because he knows that none of it is worth worrying about.
The reason I have wanted to share this with you, is to give you peace about her passing, and to know that it is not final. I already knew that, but having spoken to someone who I know, it has made it clearer, and easier to accept.
Keep fighting your fight, and when it is done, find peace in your heart also. Morgan is still Morgan, no matter where she is, and I am confident she is watching you with pride, no matter what happens. xx Much strength and love to you
Thanks so much for that – you described exactly what happened to me when I was 17 and because of that experience I never feared death and I don’t believe Morgan did either…but I do know she didn’t want to go. She is where I know I will get to see her again someday when my job down here is finished and that makes me happy. Your kind words gives me much strength, again thank you!
Toni, That must be the GIFT thing I mentioned to you before! Remember that? It was I bet Morgan’s way to confirm she was there with you.
Terry
You’re right I had forgotten all about that!