Morgan loved to write, it was without doubt her first passion. Photography was climbing quickly, but was still a distant second. When the detectives told me things right after Morgan’s death I might have not have fully absorbed what they were telling me. I have been assured many times since then that this is normal. But when a time came a few weeks after her death that I was told everything had been returned except her diary, that I remember.
The two individual pieces of information did not come together for a while, but as I was packing up Morgan’s room I came across her last diary, and even the one before that. The last diary she was writing in I will never forget, because instead of keeping it to herself she had been sharing it with me. It was her future plans, they were as bold and filled with love as Morgan was. I clearly remembering how proud I was of her as she went over the latest diary entry with me. What I would not give to see her be able to live out her plans, but no one can do that now. Only right the wrongs, for her and for so many others.
But there I was between Christmas and New Years remembering so vividly her last diary, and suddenly putting it together with the statement that they still had her diary. What diary did they have? It was not her last for sure, not even the one before. I wondered if it was even Morgan’s at all. She had been involved in a very personal situation with a close friend that had come to involve a diary that did not belong to Morgan, but she was entrusted with and I feared that it was this diary they were referring to.
I wished so much then that there had been more communication with the Coroner or the Sheriffs, but there had not been. Nobody wanted to talk to us about anything! They had not talked to any of her doctors, none of her teachers, close friends, and definitely not Steve or I. There were things that simply could not be just guessed at and as a month had nearly passed since her death I was openly questioning where information about Morgan was coming from, because it was not from any source that would actually know.
And now to think that a diary that was not even Morgan’s could have been mistakenly taken as hers was upsetting to say the least. The person who’s diary Morgan had was having personal issues. I asked for the diary, was told they would get it to me, but was never given it back. If it wasn’t one of Morgan’s I am sure once it is compared to her other diaries they will see the difference in the writing, but then again when will that happen This is just one more thing that is still outstanding in this case from over a year ago. On this day Steve and I went to see our grief counselor again, she couldn’t understand why the communication from Garfield County had been so bad and she said to keep insisting that we get the diary back so we could see if it was hers or not. We are still to this day trying to get it back.
Today, February 21, 2013 – I just opened up a drawer and came across another card that Morgan had made for me…after I stopped crying I smiled and decided I should share it with all of you.
The back of a Mother’s day card Morgan made for Toni
I’m still here in the background, quietly keeping up with the blog…
She writes so very well! The poem was absolutely beautiful! 🙂 It’s so very obvious by this poem that she loved you guys with every fiber of her being. You are the epitome of an amazing Mother, Toni. Don’t you ever forget that. You give all of us other Mother’s out here confidence, strength, hope, and the most important thing of all, knowledge. Like you quoted in a few blogs back, “Knowledge is the antidote of fear.” Without your bravery and strength, this blog would have never happened, and with that, the veil would have not been lifted from our eyes. I, and lots of others, appreciate what your doing GREATLY! More than words could possibly express. You are giving us all the tools to keep this from happening again and for that, you are an invaluable asset to this World. You’re fighting the good fight, keep it up! And so long as your standing and fighting, we all will be standing and cheering you on or standing and fighting with you. GO TEAM MORGAN!!
To those of you that know the truth…. I hope that every night when you go to bed it festers in your mind and causes you to not be able to sleep. I hope you mentally suffer from guilt, eating away at you, day in and day out, every single moment of your life. Those of you that know what happened and refuse to come forward, you DESERVE to mentally suffer from all the pain and guilt that I’m sure is running through every vein in your body. You do NOT deserve to live your lives happy and care free.
To the person we all believe did this:
What a pathetic excuse of a man you are. If you were any kind of a man, you would have never done what you did to begin with, because REAL MEAN do not hurt women IN ANY WAY!! Why don’t you grow some ba**s and turn yourself in already?! And if you AREN’T guilty, why didn’t you act like a man and go on the Dr. Phil show and clear your name? Its seems that you are nothing but a pathetic, scared little boy who has absolutely no clue how to treat a woman. You need some serious help.
The card is lovely. The poem, however, was not written by Morgan. It is claimed by Mike Hall, who wrote it for his father’s eulogy. It has also been credited to Nicholas Green, who runs a website with royalty-free, common-use poetry.
I only learned of your daughter’s passing when the Dr. Phil show re-ran your episode. Please let me extend my sympathies. Parents aren’t supposed to have to bury their children — it’s unnatural. I think perhaps we mothers die on that same day, but our hearts just don’t know enough to stop beating. I hope you find the peace you’re seeking.
~Christina
Christina thank you so much for your comment…I do know Morgan didn’t come up with those words, she just made the card for me a long time ago when she was very young, but the words had meaning to her, and I have just been sharing a small part of what Morgan was like with everyone – she never bought cards, she always made them, and she made almost every present.
I had always heard the worst thing that could happen to a parent is to loose their child, but I didn’t know what it felt like until this happened. Fighting for justice for Morgan, and having to relive what happened in her 4 months of stalking, and then her murder has been like scraping an open wound daily – I pray this investigation into what happened to her gets open very, very soon so Steve and I can let the experts take over, and we can grieve privately for her for a while. I can still feel her all around – I believe the invisible cord that binds a mother to her child can never be severed. Take care.